Dive into Creativity: Explore, Discover, Enjoy
I NEED THIS TO BE CANON THIS IS SO FUNNY
headcanon atsushi’s ability the tiger does not know what to do when it likes someone
like in general atsushi is bad with knowing what to do with the ppl he likes and showing affection – like he tries to mimic others but he himself is still working on something that feels natural if that makes sense
but the tiger
the tiger is far worse becuz the only positive thing it can associate with positive emotions is food so every time it gets closer to the full moon the tiger starts whispering in the back of his mind that he should eat dazai and kunikida
then kyouka and junichiro
and ranpo and yosano and fukuzawa and kenji and naomi and haruno
at first atsushi panics (naturally) worries he’s a cannibal, thinks the tiger hates the agency, panics more, especially after dead apple when he and the tiger gained an understanding of each other and he realized that the tiger was protecting him so he’s like why r u trying to kill the agency members
but gradually he realizes that actually the tiger just doesn’t know how to deal with positive emotions and yeah
anyway:
atsushi: dazai-san is so nice to me :)
the tiger: yeah :)
the tiger: we should eat him
atsushi: NO????
//
kunikida, patting atsushi’s head: good job on ur report atsushi
the tiger: use his arm against him and eat him
kunikida: atsushi u look weird are u feeling unwell
atsushi: hahaha dont worry about no weird thoughts here hahahaha
//
atsushi, literally just working:
the tiger: the small candy one eats a lot of sugar. he would taste sweet. Eat him.
atsushi: NO??????????????
ranpo, looking up: i’ve actually always wondered what i would taste like-
//
and so on
is this incredibly dumb? yes but is it also funny, yes
atsushi realizes he likes akutagawa because at some point when he spots him the tiger immediately starts wondering what he’d taste like
atsushi, sees akutagawa: oh there’s that basta-
the tiger: i bet he’d taste really nice
atsushi:
atsushi: oh
atsushi: oh no
//
akutagawa: how did you figure out you liked me?
atsushi: i couldn’t stop thinking about what you’d taste like
akutagawa, blushing: oh-
atsushi: yeah it was insane how much the tiger wanted to kill and eat u
akutagawa, slightly confused and horrified: oh-
//
eventually as atsushi learns to deal with his feelings so does the tiger but unfortunately it’s still an animal so its more like
atsushi: dazai’s so nice :)
the tiger: yeah :)
the tiger: lets hunt a deer for him
atsushi: no??????????????
//
kunikida, petting atsushi’s hair: good job on the job atsushi
atsushi, not thinking about what he’s saying: kunikida i like u so much should i kill a bear for u?
kunikida, slightly confused, slightly flattered: uhh no???????
//
atsushi, at the store: lemme just get something for kyouka-
the tiger: we shall hunt until we find something suitabl-
atsushi: no.
//
atsushi: im sorry i transformed last night, snuck out of ur place, hunted down a goose, broke back in, left it in the living room table, and then climbed on top of u, still a tiger, and then fell asleep and only transformed back now, after u had to use rashomon to get tiger me off u
akutagawa, dead tired: yeah i don’t know what the appropriate response is but ur cleaning the bloo-
akutagawa: wait wtf do u mean theres a dead goose in the living room
atsushi: do u not like goose :(
akutagawa: that is NOT the issue here
//
yeah
Chuuya: If we were together every day, all day, if we slept together, if we woke up together and if we ate together what would we be?
Dazai: A master and his dog?
Chuuya:
Chuuya: NO.
Dazai: We're finally getting along. It's been 24 hours since the last time we fought. Isn't that great?
Chuuya: No, it isn't. We complete the missions faster when we're fighting.
Dazai: Quick then, say something annoying!
Chuuya: Osamu, I'm in love with you.
Dazai: I'm sorry, what? Since when?
Chuuya: Idk, it just happened.
Dazai: How? You think I'm annoying.
Chuuya: You are.
Dazai:
Chuuya: It's one of your most endearing qualities.
Dazai, who had a sex dream about Chuuya: Drunk ppl do tons of things they don't normally do when their sleeping, like snore and have really weird dreams.
Dazai: Like sex dreams but it doesn't even matter cause dreams don't mean anything.
Chuuya, who also had a sex dream about Dazai: You're right. They don't mean anyhting. You can have a sex dream about someone you're repulsed by irl.
Dazai: Yes, yes exactly. Thank you, Chuuya.
Dazai: You could have a sex dream about, like, me.
Chuuya: But I didn't.
Chuuya: And if I had it would be a sex nightmare cause I hate you.
Dazai: And I hate you too, thank you.
Chuuya: Thank you for inviting me to mackerel's wedding today, Kouyou.
Kouyou: Yeah no problem.
Chuuya: This is probably a stupid question, but who is Dazai marrying?
Kouyou: You. You’re the fiancé. This is your wedding with Dazai!
Chuuya: Wait, what?
Mori: There’s your officiant. This is your wedding ring. I suggest taking him somewhere far, far away for your honeymoon.
Kouyou: For a week! No, a month!
Hirotsu: Here’s some money, make it two!
Dazai, walking in: Oh! This is beautiful! Who’s having a wedding today?
Dazai: Please don't tell anyone but I think I'm a little bit in love with Chuuya.
Atsushi, who genuinely believed the two of them had been married for the past 7 years: ???
Atsushi: Oh.
Dazai, about Chuuya: Just when you think you've hit rock bottom, you want to get fucked by a short ginger.
Ango: 🤦♂️
Odasaku: Please stop talking.
Dazai, trying to impress Chuuya: I'm great in sex. I've lost count how many times I've done it.
Chuuya:
Chuuya: Masturbation does not count as having sex.
A random drunk girl trying to pick Dazai up at a bar: I've never even kissed a guy.
Dazai, staring intently at Chuuya across the room, chin propped up on his hand: Me neither~
Fyodor: You're dead for that!
Dazai: Do it...
Dazai: Pussy.
Fyodor: I will enjoy this.
Chuuya, getting in the way: Hey, Elsa!
Chuuya: Get your icy hands off my bottom, bitch!
Dazai: I think this outfit makes me look older :D
Kyouka: But you're already old.
Dazai: EXCUSE ME, WHAT?
*ada!Chuuya au*
Atsushi: I can't tell whether Chuuya joining the ada was a good thing or not...
Atsushi: Because on one hand, I have much less paperwork to do, and Dazai seems much happier and more stable.
Atsushi: On the other hand-
Dazai, through the office door: Fuck yes Chuuya, there, there!
Atsushi: That.
*some years later*
Dazai: Atsushi, Akutagawa...
Atsushi and Akutagawa: Yes, Dazai.
Dazai: About the rumour...
Atsushi, Akutagawa: What rumour?
Dazai: Poetry.
Atsushi, Akutagawa:
Dazai: It's not what everybody thinks it is.
Akutagawa: I'm afraid explaining any further while in your partner's bed will only make matters worse, Mrs. Nakahara.
Dazai: Did you just call me Mrs. Nakahara?
Atsushi: It's best if you get used to it sooner than later.
Dazai:
Akutagawa, opening a door he shouldn't have opened: Dazai, Chuuya?
Dazai and Chuuya shocked, as their kissing session just got disturbed: Akutagawa?
Akutagawa, concerned: Is everything alright?
Dazai: It's perfectly fine.
Dazai: Chibi, tell him what we're doing.
Chuuya: We...
Chuuya: I'm teaching him some poetry.
Akutagawa: Poetry?
Dazai:
Dazai: Yes, I love poetry.
Akutagawa:
Chuuya: I'm surprised as you are. He can't get enough of it.
Akutagawa: I'll leave you to do your poetry then...
Akutagawa: *closes the door, regretting all his life decisions*
Chuuya: When I have a crush I don't kick my feet or twirl my hair. Chuuya: Instead I am in my kitchen at 3am pacing in circles with my hands clasped behind my back like a middle-aged divorced detective haunted by a cold case he just can't crack.
Akutagawa, opening a door he shouldn't have opened: Dazai, Chuuya?
Dazai and Chuuya shocked, as their kissing session just got disturbed: Akutagawa?
Akutagawa, concerned: Is everything alright?
Dazai: It's perfectly fine.
Dazai: Chibi, tell him what we're doing.
Chuuya: We...
Chuuya: I'm teaching him some poetry.
Akutagawa: Poetry?
Dazai:
Dazai: Yes, I love poetry.
Akutagawa:
Chuuya: I'm surprised as you are. He can't get enough of it.
Akutagawa: I'll leave you to do your poetry then...
Akutagawa: *closes the door, regretting all his life decisions*
Dazai, whispering to Chuuya's ear during a pm meeting: I'm sure that no one here has as big of a dick as you.
Chuuya: WTF?
Dazai: Sorry, I misspoke. I meant no one here is as big of a dick as you.
Chuuya:
Chuuya: Sure...
Chuuya: Isn't the idea supposed to be "you saved my life, now I owe you a debt?" Dazai: Nope. Other way round. You saved my life, so now I'm your problem. If you don't like it, then kill me. Dazai: God wanted me dead, now you get to find out why.
Dazai: I love you 🥰.
Chuuya: Why should I believe you? All the guys I've dated were dogs.
Dazai:
Chuuya: Well, aren't you gonna say anything?
Dazai:
Dazai: Meow...
Dazai: I dare you to marry me.
Chuuya: No. I'm not falling for that idiot.
Dazai: Then I win.
Chuuya: What? No you don’t. I’ll marry the hell out of you. You’re officially my wife now. You can’t beat me like that.
Dazai: I want my vagina shaved ladies.
Chuuya: Then shave your vagina, Dazai.
Dazai, pulling out an engagement ring: Got it a week after we first met.
Chuuya:
Chuuya, also pulling out a ring: Got it yesterday.
Dazai: *on the phone* Hey, Chuuya~
Dazai: Do you know my blood type?
Chuuya: Of course, its AB.
Dazai: Oh, I guessed wrong. Excuse me, nurse-
Atsushi: Dazai, have you ever thought of getting married ?
Dazai: *gay panic* I'm pregnant!
ada: What?
Dazai: It's Chuuya's.
ada: WHAT?
*meanwhile in the pm*
Chuuya, feeling a disturbance in the force: He said something that will get me into trouble, I can feel it!
Dazai: Babe!
Chuuya: Don’t call me that!
Dazai: Chibi, honey, dear, love, sunshine, slug-
Chuuya: Dazai-
Dazai: Darling, hat rack, sweetheart, my God of fire-
Chuuya: Dazai no-
Dazai: Mi amore, the light of my life, my chihuahua, my doggie, my baby, angel, baby boy, baby girl-
Dazai: My petit mafia, shortie, sweetie-
Chuuya: Are you done?
Dazai: My beloved, the best executive, the anchor of my universe, the loml, my other half, my soulmate..
Chuuya:
Dazai: Ok, now I’m done.
Chuuya: Ok what did you want?
Dazai:
Dazai: Oh I forgot.
Stormbringer!Dazai: My kink is doing stupid shit and watching Chuuya speed-run the five stages of grief as he realises that he still wants to do yaoi stuff with me.
Dazai: I am 100% straight.
Ranpo: Kunikida teaching Atsushi martial arts.
Dazai: I am 90% straight.
Yosano: Dostoevsky in the Dead Apple movie.
Dazai: I am 70% straight.
Ranpo: Sigma wearing his high heels.
Dazai: I am 50% straight.
Atsushi: The Hunting Dog that arrested you.
Dazai: I am 40% straight.
Dazai: Still straight, still doing okay.
Ranpo: Chuuya-
Dazai: I am not straight.
Dazai: Hi, I’m bi. I’m attracted to women because they are incredible and I’m attracted to men because I love making bad choices.
Fukuzawa: And, as always, here's your weekly reminder that therapy and other psychiatric services are covered by the ada healthcare plan.
Dazai:
Dazai, whispering to Kunikida: Why does he always look at me when he says that?
Chuuya: Hey, if I ask you a boy question, will you promise not to be weird about it?
Kouyou: Come on, when have I ever been? Go on, tell me!
Chuuya: Well, Dazai--
Kouyou: You can do better!
Chuuya: